I’ll build your strategy, write your ads, buy your media, and read the analytics. Then I’ll do it again faster.
I’ve run marketing for Citi, Comcast, Memorial Sloan Kettering, The Plaza Hotel, Coke Zero, and UPS. I’ve also run it for yoga studios, rage rooms, arcade bars, and a company that makes body wipes. I won an International ANDY Award. I taught at the School of Visual Arts. I led SCORE North Florida. I created an entirely AI-produced sketch comedy series. I built one of the first social networks. I wrote the book on programmatic media. Literally.
Strategy, creative direction, copywriting, media buying, performance marketing, analytics, AI, and execution. I do all of it. Personally. Not as a team. Not as an agency. As one senior operator who’s been doing the work of entire marketing departments since before it was a business model.
You don’t need more people. You need a better person.
You hired someone to build a website. It went up. Looks fine. Then you needed a logo, so you hired someone for that. The logo doesn’t quite match the website, but close enough. Then a content person, because someone said you need content. The content person writes blog posts nobody reads because they’re not optimized for search, so an SEO person comes in and rewrites everything the content person just did. Meanwhile, a social media person is posting to Instagram with no connection to what the content person wrote or what the website says. None of these people have met. You’re coordinating every conversation, every deliverable, every decision, because the CEO is also acting as CMO despite having zero marketing experience.
It’s like building a house with no architect. You’ve got an electrician, a plumber, a framer, and a roofer. Nobody knows how big the house is supposed to be. Nobody knows where the walls go. The plumber is running pipes through a wall the framer hasn’t built yet. The roofer showed up on Tuesday because that’s when he was available, not because the house was ready for a roof.
That’s what marketing looks like at most companies. A bunch of contractors running around with no blueprints. Everyone’s doing something. Nobody’s building the same thing.
I’m the architect. The general contractor. And I also do most of the trades myself.
Strategy, creative, media buying, analytics, and execution. Personally. Thirty years across every discipline in marketing, now accelerated by AI. One person. One invoice. No agency overhead, no junior account managers, no three-week feedback loops.
Perhaps yours will be so good I can use it to get me hired as a
Every founder has a default mode. A pattern they fall back on under pressure. Most don’t know what theirs is until someone points it out.
After thirty years watching startups, I’ve noticed something. There are about seven people starting companies. Seven templates. Seven ways to die. Everyone else is just doing cosplay. Very expensive cosplay with health insurance implications. Find your founder type, know your malfunction before I do.
Audited media spend, found the previous agency coasting on inflated CPAs. Took over strategy, creative, media, and analytics.
Data showed 60% of customers were women. Repositioned everything to match. Revenue followed.
. Fractional CMO running strategy, creative, media, and analytics, plus built a class recommendation tool using 25+ variables.
Geofenced competing campuses, ran full-funnel enrollment marketing, 9.46% conversion rate.
Active client. Full marketing ownership for a board game bar. Strategy, events, PR, social, B2B sales, in-store, SKU management.
Side projects are expected in top ad portfolios because client work always has an excuse for why it didn’t reach its potential. A side project shows what you’re like when no one is looking. It’s also the reason I get your work done as efficiently as possible, so I can get back to my passion project, which for some reason is not marketing bolts and flanges for the pipefitting industry.
In the 90’s started the largest print punk fanzine in the northeast while balancing 100 hour weeks at two-time Agency of the Year BBDO. Built and grew one of the first social networks in the early 2000s to Ad Age’s Power 150 blogs. Wrote a history book. Do stand-up comedy. Made an AI sketch comedy series. Built an app to track your enemies. Created a one-letter Wordle.
An Icelandic painter once told me he paints because he can’t not paint. “It’s like air. Without it I will die.” I realized I’m not a painter. But I am a marketer. If you don’t hire me, I have 30 things I’m jazzed to wake up for. With me, you get someone who does this because it’s the air they breathe, not because they minored in it with their business degree.
$25 per ticket direct from me with no fees.
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I have adored Emo Philips since the UK in the 80’s. He is hilarious.”
— Eric Idle, May 12, 2018
Finally, a U.S. history book that explains why every terrible decision was actually a bold learning opportunity.
Written in the cheerful, bureaucratic voice of a government that has never once admitted a mistake, The Tremendous History of the United States of America reads like the textbook you vaguely remember… if it had been tested on focus groups instead of students.
From “discovery” to the present, every chapter proudly reframes conquest as “growth,” war as “lively disagreement,” and inequality as “policy still under active review.” It’s not satire, according to the narrator. It’s simply the most complete, unbiased, totally reasonable explanation of why America is doing great and always has been.
For fans of political humor, satirical U.S. history, fake textbooks, and smart comedy about dumb propaganda, this book is a gift, a weapon, and a conversation starter you can quietly slide across the table and walk away from.
If you’ve ever thought, “I can’t believe they taught us that in school,” this is the deluxe, upgraded, focus-grouped, star-spangled version of exactly that feeling.
